i break the things i try to fix.

today has been really difficult for me.

Today, I really miss you a lot. I wish I could have you in my life, but you hurt me too much. You never meant to; I just need more of you, than what you have to offer.

I’ve also been contemplating the thought “what’s next” in my life, and I have no idea. I have so many long term goals, like graduating, and going to college; but, what do I do next? Where do I go, and what do I do, from this exact point I am at.

I also am having those stupid, unavoidable feelings of abandonment and loneliness. I feel like everybody in my life is radiating outwards away from me; which is all okay, because everyone is their own person and leads their own life, but I wish it wasn’t happening so quickly, all at once.

for me, it is hard to measure change internally and externally, in the bigger sense. you are completely oblivious to what does on around you, because it is going on around you. realizations of change, adaptation and difference are a lot easier to notice and adjust to on a smaller scale, like the color of your kitchen being painted a different color.

Change, change on a larger scale, macro-change i guess you could say, is almost impossible to detect until some time after that change has occurred; your brain has been given some time to process and use critical thinking to observe and recognize what has changed and its relation to you. in relation to yourself is one of the biggest concepts that helps you identify change, ‘how are things different, in relation to me?, and suddenly things become clear, and everything begins to make sense. and you feel as if you’ve overreacted to the ‘n’th degree and you feel idiotic and stupid for being so insecure about your placement and significance according to someone else. because, change is always happening, things are too late before they are even given a chance to even be that thing.

insignificance in relations between people is what makes the world go round. The continual flux of everything creates fluidity and in the end, things happened the way that they were supposed to happen. its important to remember that you are a human, going through all of the different aspects of human life; love, loss, anger, happiness, success, etc. but you are a part of the bigger picture. We are all apart of the human experience. Being able to experience all parts of life, even the negative and unpleasant ones only make us more human. Human emotions, and human feelings, being able to experience that; its fucking great.

why why why why why why why.

I really, really hope that this is happening for a reason. 

there are so many things that were left unsaid, and too many things that shouldn’t have been said; but either way, i think that we both know how important we were to each other. things will be hard being so different, but i will be ok. its going to be hard for me because of how things worked out. i hope you feel like shit, because you should. you broke me, changed me, and ruined me all while making me feel amazing at the same time. you confused me to the point where i didnt know what to do. i will miss you so much, and you know that. i know that i meant something to you, which is why this is so hard for me. i know i fucked up, but you did too. we both made decisions that shouldnt have been made, and said and did things too.

for me, i really thought things were going to work out differently. i dont know what to do. i really don’t. i don’t want to change things and my routines just to avoid you. but i probably will. i hate what things have become, and i know they will only get worse. my life was easier with you in it. things just seemed to click, and it fell into a phase where everything was exciting, fun, and made me feel happy. i just have one thing left that i haven’t told you; i hate you. i hate you so much. i hate you so much for making me love you. you have been such an important part of my life for the past 5 years, and its weird to think that i wont have you in the next five. 

goodbye. xo. 

last night was the best night of my life. 

oh, but on that note, I AM SO HAPPY FOR ADAM!! 

he got his license today. 

and we’ve been practicing driving a LOT for like a month now, and it all paid off…

even though we would smoke like 3 bowls, then i’d teach him. 

hahaha. 

ohh so happy that he can finally drive me everywhere legally now. 

recently ive been reminiscing on what my life used to be, and the people in it. i miss it.

L.C..: we used to be the best of friends. i miss just being able to chill and watch tv, and go to all of the crazy places we used to. i miss going on far away mall trips, just because we saw advertisements on tv for them. me you and josh always got along, and we truly had an amazing friendship. im not quite sure why we drifted apart, but i hate it. you were always a blast to be with, and i dont think we ever fought, and there were no secrets between us. i miss you. 

C.H.: where did things go wrong? im honestly sorry, but you were at fault too. we got in a huge fight, over something stupid. there was a lack of communication, and you wouldnt talk to me about it. instead you decided to not talk to me. i hate it. we laughed every second we were together. and i miss our skype dates, and talking about cats, and everything that made up our friendship. i miss having someone i could always talk about anything with, and you always knew exactly the right thing to say. 

A.W.: you were my best friend. we were perfect together. everything about our relationship was wonderful. and although we were in different places in our lives, and it was just a little high school relationship, i honestly was in love with you, or as close as you can get to love at that age. i still love you, and i always will, but as a friend now. i love hanging out with you, whenever we do, but i wish it was more often.

J.D.:you are a good guy. you made me feel special, when i needed it most. it was nice to always have someone to talk to, and would listen to me. im sorry things went the way they did, and my attitude about everything. i know ill see you this summer, and such, but i wish we could be friends again.